Author: Easin' Along

A few months ago, I asked Bob Lowry, creator of the very informative website A Satisfying Retirement to scan his archives and see if he could find an article or two that Easin’ Along readers might enjoy. One of the articles that Bob sent related to me in a very meaningful way. I think you will find his thoughts interesting and I offer them in the paragraphs below along with a few personal notes on this subject.  

We are familiar with this personality type: the cranky old man. He is a stock character in movies, cartoons, and TV shows.  He seems to dislike everybody and everything. Step on his lawn or get in his way at the store and you will know it. Make the mistake to ask him about the government or taxes and your ears will burn for a week.  British author Carol Wyer has a name for it: “irritable male syndrome.” He is not living a very satisfying retirement.

While working on my book, Living a Satisfying Retirement, a question was raised more than once that is worth thinking about. Here is how one contributor posed the question that gets to the heart of the issue:

“Why it does it seem like so many “old” people become bitter and negative, and then you have those “rare” old people who are enthusiastic about life, stay positive and keep fit. Is that something the positive-minded person has to really work hard at? Did they make a deliberate decision to not complain about their aches and pains, and to see the world as a beautiful place? Or is this how they were all their life?”

Importantly, remember that this question was not asked by someone in his or her 20’s or 30’s. This came from someone in their 50’s or 60’s, and therefore I assume is a concern in his or her own life. Do we all end up inflexible and intolerant?  Does the prospect of losing the ability to drive, or to stay in one’s home cause most of us to put a scowl on our face?

I am sure there are all sorts of research studies and physiological reasons why this “grumpy old man” attitude strikes. Medical reasons may include a steady decline in testosterone levels that can produce this bad mood effect.

Let me speculate on some other possible triggers. Retirement can send many a man over the edge. With fewer friends than women, men have little social interaction after work and can become isolated and depressed. Certainly, the loss of a spouse could turn someone into a genuinely unhappy person. The loss of physical or mental capabilities has the potential to leave us bitter. We may remember the “good old days” as a time when the government seemed to work more smoothly, young people were more respectful, and doctors made house calls.

Or, as the question implies, is the crankiness due more to attitude than reality? Are unhappy seniors just an older version of how they were when younger? Can people make a conscious effort to not fall into the complaint trap as they age? If there is a medical cause will that person seek some help?

My personal opinion is the cause is a combination of factors. The declining levels of testosterone after 60 are real. The effects are well documented. Overall, health and relationship issues must contribute to the potential for a less-than-sunny mood. The awareness of one’s own mortality can be a rude awakening for someone.

At the same time, I believe attitude can be a major factor in preventing a full slippage into grumpiness. I don’t mean the type of “everything is great, the glass is always at least half full” attitude. Denying what is happening in your life isn’t the answer.

Maybe acceptance is a better word. No one gets out of here alive. Virtually all of us will suffer from some of the unpleasant realities of the aging process. To be grumpy and rude really says that person is too self-absorbed. We all have aches and pains, we all lose family and friends, we all face the loss of our ability to drive. To make everyone around you uncomfortable or unhappy is really saying, “It is all about me. My problems are worse than yours and that gives me the right to lash out.”

Actually, it doesn’t.

Note: Within a few weeks of receiving this article, I noticed that I, too, had become unusually grumpy—even downright irritable and nasty at times.  At first, I passed it off as an issue related to not sleeping well which is something that I’ve struggled with for several years.  I also felt that it might be tied to age-related lower testosterone levels and made a note to have it checked at some point. The condition persisted until I spoke with my physician about my moods and my irritability.  After some discussion, he said that it could be related to mild depression and suggested that I try a tiny dose of prescription medication to see if it made a difference.  The results were astounding. Within a few days, I had returned to the person I once knew as a “lovable fuzzball”. I was reluctant to share this information but thought that if there are other “grumpy” types out there, this information might prod them to have it checked out.  Take it from me…the change made Easin’ Along the retired road a lot more pleasant.

 

Thanks again to Bob Lowry.

In October of last year, my high school class held our 50th class reunion.  I had intended to comment on this event in Easin’ Along before now, but in waiting a year to reflect on the achievements of my classmates and the turbulent times in which we came of age, I am even more impressed by the accomplishments of this wonderful group of people.

I had the honor of serving as our Class President and, after we gathered for dinner, I took the opportunity to deliver a few remarks to our group.  Written below is an edited version of those remarks. 

Looking Back 50 Years…

Around 1947 or 1948 3.5 million children were born in the United States. We were on the leading edge of the Baby Boom.  Fortunately, we were the offspring of what later became known as “The Greatest Generation” … those rugged individuals who had faced a Depression and endured it fought a war and won it, then quietly came home to resume their lives and create the prosperity in which we grew up.

In 1962, or 54 years ago, 217 of those 3.5 million kids entered Bearden High School.

Here are some of my memories of that time…

I don’t remember much about my first day except that it started with algebra class (and I promptly went to sleep), but I remember much about the next four years.  I was terrible at sports, about average in the classroom, and had great friends. I remember Sock-hops and Shoney’s; Madras shirts, Bass Weejuns, and Villager blouses. I remember our junior prom; I remember our intramural basketball team (the Aardvarks), and the fun we had in Hi-Y, and on the yearbook staff.

We didn’t have much to fret about back then as times were pretty good. Looking back now, however, I can think of three events that impacted all of us.  

I remember standing at my locker outside of biology class on an afternoon in 1963, awkwardly trying to flirt with that cute Janie and getting nowhere, when Mike walked up and asked, “Did you hear that they shot Kennedy?” I couldn’t tell you what I was saying to Janie, but I’ll never forget the words Mike said to me.  Suddenly the world didn’t seem so innocent anymore. I’ll bet you remember where you were too.

I remember the fall of 1964 when African American students enrolled in Bearden High School for the first time. The class of ’66 received four new classmates – Darnell, Lillian, Sylvia, and Gloria. I can’t imagine the apprehension felt by those four lovely young ladies as they walked into our classrooms, but we accepted them with the respect and dignity that they deserved–traits that were taught to us by that Greatest Generation. Looking back through a fifty-year lens, I’m grateful for the class of my classmates. Similar events had torn up campuses in Alabama, Mississippi, and Arkansas, but it was just another day at Bearden High. 

The third event that altered the trajectory of our lives was boiling up in a small country in Southeast Asia. Maybe some of you could have pointed out Viet Nam on a map at that time, but I know I couldn’t. Because of what was going on there, every male in Bearden who had no idea where Viet Nam was, knew about Draft Board 50. The draft and that war were to become significant factors in the lives of all of us…male or female.

I also remember that a few days prior to graduation we gathered in the auditorium at Bearden to perform our senior skit where we made a promise to ourselves and to the world by singing “Gonna Build a Mountain”, by Sammy Davis, Jr. The words went something like…

Gonna Build a Mountain,

Gonna build it high,

Don’t know how I’m gonna do it,

Only know I’m gonna try! 

On June 1, 1966, a few days after that performance, and four years after walking into Bearden High, we assembled together one last time in the James White Auditorium.  We were prayed over by a Minister and the father of a classmate; we listened to inspiring (cough) speeches by five of our best and brightest students around the theme of “Youth Wants to Know Values of Our Times”. We then strolled across the stage where another dad and a member of the school board handed us our diplomas.  Suddenly 217 wide-eyed free spirits now had the world at their feet and were scattered by the four winds to build that mountain.

So, Bulldogs, it’s 50 years – and in my case, 40 pounds later…how’d we do? The bio forms that you sent to us, sheds a bright light on that.

In reading about the lives and careers of our classmates, I found that we had no professional athletes. The class of ’67 made that happen with Phil Garner, a successful baseball player, and manager.  We had no career politicians and, probably because of that, we had no incarcerated criminals (pause).

If we had any, however, we would have had Becky, an Assistant DA to prosecute them, Chuck, a defense attorney to defend them, Carl a law professor to teach them something about the law, and Norman and Ernie, successful corporate attorneys to help them build a business. All five have had distinguished legal careers.

In addition to those five, remarkable achievement by our classmates can be found across almost every segment of American life. We truly have made our presence felt and are among the millions of Americans who make America work!

I want to take a few minutes to point out a few notables.  I can’t name them all because that would leave us no time to take to the dance floor and dance like nobody’s watching, but here are a few…(last names omitted).

Medicine:

Doyle, MD. A cataract and refractive surgeon has traveled to over twenty countries teaching, consulting, and treating patients.

Mike, MD. A neurologist served for 30 years in the United States Army, then joined the faculty of the U of Hawaii. He was voted “Teacher of the Year” 13 times by his students at the University of Hawaii Medical School. His list of published papers and book contributions was so extensive, I stopped counting after 60.

Psychology:

Linda, Ph.D. A member of the faculty at a major University, is one of the foremost experts in the country on the relationship of parents, specifically fathers and daughters, after divorce. She has been featured on PBR, in the Wall Street Journal, and other distinguished publications.

Research:

Mike, has conducted research for St. Jude’s Hospital for over 30 years.

Education:

Cheryl, E.D.  Teacher, consultant, mentor, author. Has consulted with school districts across the country in developing educational programs. Voted Knox County Teacher of the Year. Member of the Hall of Honor – College of Education, University of Tennessee.

Cheryl served on the staff of a Junior College for over 25 years.  As an Associate Professor, she received Excellence in teaching and outstanding Faculty awards.

 We’ve had five teachers with over 30 years in the classroom:

Jeanine, Kathy, Martha, Nancy (also children’s book author), Sarah  

Twenty years in the classroom:

Linda, Terry, Joyce

Ministry:

David D.D, Served the United Methodist Church for 42 years.

Tom, served in business and education before obtaining a degree in Theological studies and ordained as an Episcopal priest. Now serving on a preaching fellowship at Virginia Theological Seminary.

Business:

Robert – President and Chief Operating Officer of a major restaurant chain with hundreds of restaurants throughout the country and in many countries throughout the world.

Jim, now EVP, Chief Financial Officer, and Chief Operating Officer of a major bank in Middle Tennessee.

Larry and Kathy have owned and operated a kitchen and bath design business in Knoxville for over 30 years.

Military: (Career)

Susan, LTC became the first female in the history of the US Air Force to finish first in her class in Officer Candidate School.

Mike, MD, (Col) Neurologist, Tripler Army Medical Center, Hawaii.

Lynn, Officer, U.S. Navy, 

Larry, U. S. Navy, 

Reservists: (Career)

Ernest. Colonel, US Army

Joe, Lt Colonel, US Army

Leonard, M SGT, US Army

The ultimate sacrifice was paid by Marine Lance LCpl Mike Dawson who was among 19 brave Marines killed in heavy fighting on June 17, 1969, in Quang Tri Province, Viet Nam.  He was a member of the 3^rd Bn, 3^rd Marine Division. Mike was in his seventh month in Viet Nam. His name is inscribed on the wall of the Viet Nam Memorial in Washington, DC.

Engineering:

Larry, now an engineering consultant, was Vice President of Global Financial Operations for Dupont, (Stainmaster and Lycra Divisions). He has traveled to over 72 countries and has published three novels under the pseudonym of J W Streett.

Terry obtained a Ph.D. in Civil Engineering.  Served as a consulting engineer for 18 years and as a professor at the University of Tennessee in Civil Engineering for 20 years.

Arts and Architecture:

James mastered the Danish language and has worked as an architect in Denmark for over 40 years.

Performing Arts:

Elizabeth has been a member of the Knoxville Symphony for many years as a violinist and harpist.  She is a member of her own performing group.

Bill, now deceased, played the French Horn with the Milwaukee Symphony for 35 years. A noted bird watcher, he became an expert in hawk migration.

Scarlett. Inimitable, and talented.  She has performed as a stage actress for a theater company in Anchorage, Alaska for many years

Volunteers:

Pam has been recognized for contributing over 8000 hours of volunteer work at the Medical Center in Columbia, TN.

Eric volunteers three days a week at the Shepherd Spine Clinic in Atlanta assisting individuals with spinal cord injuries and helping them regain their ability to walk.

Cheryl was recently honored for thousands of hours of service with Helen Ross McNabb Center, an organization in Knoxville that provides help and support to individuals and families dealing with mental health and substance abuse issues.

Jack for over a decade has worked for countless hours to provide food and shelter to homeless or unwanted animals.

Finally, the overwhelming majority of you have taken on the toughest and most important task of all by giving care, love, and support to your children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren as devoted and loving MOMS AND DADS and producing another generation of great Americans.

So, Bulldogs, I’d say we did ourselves proudly…

We Built that Mountain

We didn’t just try

We kept our word

And we built it high

Thanks again for coming, and give yourself a big hand!

With that, I’ll be Easin’ Along…

Even though I love to eat and seem to have hunger pangs about every four hours, I have never really known true hunger. I have faced a challenge or two since the day I came into this world over 69 years ago, but an access to food and an abundance of it has never been one of them.  As embarrassing as it is to admit, I have never thought much about it other than to acknowledge daily that I am blessed in so many ways. Nevertheless, I don’t often pause to specify those blessings individually. This week, hunger came into focus.

On Monday, as I was sitting around doing the stuff that old retired guys do (checking sports scores, planning lunch, watching neighbors walk by) I received a call from my dear friend John who said he needed a favor. John and I go back a long way and have known each other since high school days when we worked on a pipeline crew for several summers. He also gave me a helping hand about twenty-five years ago when I desperately needed one, but that’s a story for another day.  If John needed a favor, I was all in.

Periodically John and his wife, Judy, volunteer to deliver food for Fish, an organization that provides food to individuals and families in Knoxville and surrounding areas. Judy had another commitment on delivery day and John asked if I could fill in. I said I would meet him as soon as my exercise class (more retired guy stuff) ended.

Fish is a remarkable non-profit, all-volunteer organization that serves food and other needed items to nearly 11,000 families a month from four locations in Knoxville and several associate locations in struggling communities nearby.  Fish provides food to anyone who asks for it in a non-judgemental way. There is no concern about whether it is deserved.

The church that John and I both attend supports the Fish organization by encouraging members of our congregation to donate needed food and personal items and cash contributions. Our church also provides volunteers to gather donated items and items supplied by Fish and organize them based on the needs of the recipients into bags and containers. Volunteers then deliver those containers to families and individuals who are unable to come to the Fish Pantry. That was our job for the afternoon.

We arrived at the church and were met by a group of volunteers who had organized items for delivery.  Several volunteers had already departed with about half of the day’s deliveries, but I was impressed with the amount of food that remained and with how efficient everything was organized and staged. The bags John and I were to deliver were pointed out to us and we were handed information sheets containing the names and addresses of the four families we were assigned. Each bag was filled with items requested by the family such as food items like cereal, or peanut butter for example, or personal items like shampoo or diapers. Each bag was numbered and the numbers were listed on the sheets we were given.

Each of the four families on our assignment lived in the same housing complex and after we loaded the bags in John’s car we got directions and moved out. It was a beautiful day and I felt blessed to be out and about in it. It didn’t really matter where we were going…I felt we were heading in a good direction.

The complex was located on a busy street within a mile of downtown.  Without counting, I would estimate that there were approximately forty apartments in the complex.  We took advantage of the good directions given by a resident and found the first apartment with no difficulty. A lady greeted us with a warm smile and a very friendly voice.  John was carrying the bags for this family and placed them on a kitchen counter.  A gentleman was laying on the couch and appeared to be ill. Both were extremely grateful and thanked us profusely.

We were met at the second apartment by a lady and her small but very active dog.  She too was very welcoming and then said she recognized us.  It turns out that she had visited our church on occasion and had seen us there.  We encouraged her to come back for another visit. I gave her the bags I was carrying, gave her dog a quick pat and turned to leave, but the busy little pooch scooted out the door before I could close it.  In the hallway, a gentleman coming up the steps rescued the little fellow and took him back to his owner. With the crisis averted, we again said goodbye and moved on.

At the third apartment, we met a peppy lady wearing big glasses and a scarf around her head.  The apartment was minimally furnished and she asked us to place the items on the floor which I did.  She had a big smile the entire time we were there but said that she was about to have surgery for a second time on her shoulder. We left after a short but very lively conversation about a variety of subjects. I thought to myself that I hoped her surgery goes well because this would be one lady who would find it difficult to slow down.

A lady wearing a scarf around her shoulders opened the door at our last apartment and as she struck up a conversation with John, a young lady appearing to be in her twenties stuck her head out of an apartment across the hall.  She looked at me and quietly asked if we had a bag for her. When I said that I didn’t she gave me a forlorn look then turned and closed before I could tell her about Fish. For the rest of the day, I thought more about her than the families we served.  I pray she wasn’t hungry.

In the end, John did me a bigger favor than I did for him. I’m blessed and grateful that I had this opportunity.  There is a lot more to do in this world than old retired guy stuff. I better be Easin’ Along.